i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
50% drunk capacity currently
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
