Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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