I am in a vortex of obligation.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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