i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
