Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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