I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
