apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I didn't notice because vodka
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
