I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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