why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
