my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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