This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
