Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
this is an emotional support booty call
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
