every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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