you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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