if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
