Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Randomize
