eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
