I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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