Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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