apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
