I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
