Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
