I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
