ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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