please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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