my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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