hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
