I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
