I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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