If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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