I got chris browned last night
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
