Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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