So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
