I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
