i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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