Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
