I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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