3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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