you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
