all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
