my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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