i was born a porn star she said
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
