Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
