I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
