My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
