i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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