Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
