Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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