I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
