He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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