She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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