Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
