There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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