I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
