Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
