while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
